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COURTNEY ANDERSEN

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Eating My Emotions

Uncategorized Feb 25, 2017

Have you ever turned to food for comfort? I'm not talking like lady cycle comfort, like legit you turn to food to make yourself feel better. I did for my first year of sobriety...YIKES!!

So, for a year I ate and ate and ate. Didn't care, zero fucks and had a yolo attitude with whatever I wanted because "I quit drinking!" I found myself using this excuse a lot that first year, it was some "dry drunk" behavior I went thru.  Sometimes I wasn't even hungry but would eat to satisfied myself when I had a "feeling of life"or even when I would have the urge to drink. There were some days I would have urges every hour, starbursts and skittles were my besties and so was DIET COKE. I use to drink up to 6 sodas a day.  I ate my way to almost 180 pounds!!! At the time, honestly it didn't matter to me because the first year of sobriety was so scary I just had to exist in life and get thru each day. Never in my life did I think I would find comfort in a...

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Hello My Name is...

Uncategorized Feb 04, 2017

Hello, my name is Courtney and I am a Recovering Alcoholic!

I wanted to share a little more of about my history and what my rock bottom was for anyone who is new that is reading my blog. I have been sober now for 4 years and 5 months. I LOVED alcohol, like it was my bestie for over a decade.  My vicious cycle of addiction was spent for over ten years feeling ashamed, embarrassed, lonely, isolated and scared but I kept staying in this world. For so many years I didn't feel like I deserved any good.  Most days depending on my work schedules were spent thinking about drinking, drinking or dry heaving, laying in bed all day until I ordered pizza at 8pm when I finally stopped throwing up all the alcohol from the night before. I mean this cycle happened weekly, alcohol poising for sure! Of course I would say to myself every time I would dry heave that "be the last time I did shots or drank like that"...LIES! I often find when I woke up the night before I had...

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Motivation or Mindset?

Uncategorized Jan 25, 2017

 I have often been asked and the last 4 years from people, "how do you stay motivated with your sobriety?" The answer is easy, I don't want to die!! TRUTH. It may seem a little dramatic to some but its all TRUE. That's how I look at what would happen to me if I went back to drinking. If I were to relapse it woIuld end in death, maybe not that day but I would down the road. That is where my life was going for many years before I said, "I'm done!" You have to understand something about addict's, we don't know how to stop. When I go out in life it's going to be like Rose in the Titanic all warm and cozy in her bed dreaming of DiCaprio. The sauce will not take me out, NO THANK YOU! Over doses or people drinking themselves to death happen daily just not many talk about it. I know that one sip of something would put be back down that rabbit hole of awfulness...is that a word?? The hole of despair, shame, loneliness, desperation and death.

Since becoming sober there is something I...

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Sober Pals

Uncategorized Jan 13, 2017

Hey world!!

It feels good to be back and at my creative outlet. I really had to take a step back from this for a minute. When my good pal passed away just two days before Thanksgiving, I went into grief mode followed by the Holidays. I tried writing tips of how to stay on a sober path during the Holiday season but I just faced such a "creative block!" I sat one night for 3 hours trying to get it all out and my mind was taking me into 25 different directions, so I just stopped. I mean at one point I got mad and I didn't want to hate what I have started to love doing. You know what I mean? I was having a block and there was no sense of fighting it and writing something I just wasn't into.

I do miss my friend, and think it is important to have some sober friends in your life. Him and I were sober pals and always there for one another. We had that connection of we get it, I hate to say "brotherhood" cause it sounds so Sons of Anarchy(worst series ending of all time) but it is true! Same...

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IS ESCAPING REALITY REALLY WORTH IT?!

Uncategorized Nov 21, 2016

There is a day month after month for the past two years I would love nothing more than to get shitfaced! I mean just take it to the face, blackout drunk!! This day I speak of, is the first day of my lady cycle. For the past two years, my husband and I have struggled with trying to conceive aka Fertility issues. When you are young, you never think that trying to get pregnant would be so hard. You think easy, no big deal, it just takes one time, I will do the opposite of what they told me to do in sex ed class and not use any birth control. For some couples they don't even try, for some, they get pregnant after month 1, some six months, some one year, some need IVF, some need IUI, some require a surrogate and some need to adopt. We all have such different journeys of becoming parents. On our trip, I have learned that thousands/millions of couples go thru fertility/infertility issues. My heart breaks for all couples who have to go on this ride because it is beyond the pits. This is...

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FOMO!

Uncategorized Nov 07, 2016

FOMO-FEAR OF MISSING OUT... YES, its a thing and YES it is real!! My FOMO was out of hand early days of recovery. It will go away in time, but once in a while, it will pop back up in my life, depending on an event or situation. Last year I had this when I opted out of a weekend Bachelorette party for a good friend, but I couldn't do it because I knew there would be heavy drinking involved. I'm just not there yet, I may never be, and that is OK! It's ok to say NO, it's healthy and sets boundaries for yourself, so you don't jeopardize your sobriety. In the early stages of recovery, FOMO was right up there with my crippling anxiety. I know, I know it sounds silly, but it's true. In my addiction my drinking was so, very social. To be honest, I never drank at home much unless it was continuing the party after the bars shut down or random nights I decided to stay in and drink wine.

I learned the FOMO would come around the time; I started to get the itch for wanting to drink. Which would...

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CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS, CAN'T LOSE!

Uncategorized Sep 30, 2016

For the first 120 days of my sobriety, I seriously didn't know what to do with myself! I will say those first4 months were scary; I didn't feel that "pink cloud" like most people do in recovery. The pink cloud feeling came years down the road for me. During these early months, I had to figure out how I was going to tell my friends and family I wasn't going to be drinking anymore. Except my
Alcoholism, a figure "who the sober me was going to be" the list went on, and the emotions were high.
I remember Matt(my then boyfriend who is now my husband) telling me I needed to find a hobby. Excuse? "I had hobbies" is what I told him but when he asked, "like what" I had no response! My hobby was drinking, but I wouldn't know that till months down the road when I awakened to what my true reality was for over a decade. I took to Google, yep! I fucking google hobbies(HA) and a list of hobbies popped up, and I slowly began to read each line and thought if I would like that hobby or not. So crafting...

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FRIDAY NIGHT FEAR!

Uncategorized Sep 24, 2016

For as long as I can remember I drank almost every Friday night in my addiction. That's over ten years of Friday nights, give or take a few. I am sure in that period there had to be a few Friday's I didn't drink. Whether it was going out with friends, getting done with work early or drinking when I got home from work. I got fucking shitfaced, blackout wasted on Friday's!! When I got Sober, every Friday for one year in my recovery I got severe ANXIETY on this day. I feared Fridays. The "ITCH" would start rolling in around 2 pm, why at that time? Not sure, maybe in my addiction that's when I would usually start thinking about what I would be drinking that night!! My anxiety would get so bad being in a public restaurant was difficult. I would look at people and get envious they could have drinks and I couldn't. As much as I was content with the choice I made to quit drinking and knew it was the right one, it was still hard for me to see. I would wonder why they could have fun and I...

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ONE AND I'M NEVER DONE!

Uncategorized Sep 14, 2016

In the 4 years I have been sober I have been asked by many people, “so you can’t just like have one drink?” The answer is a simple and hard NO!! I have often thought this to myself, can I just drink one?? I can’t. I have tried every way to “control my drinking” no shots, don’t mix booze and beer, only have 2 drinks a night, make sure you eat dinner, no white wine, don’t drink margarita’s, no martinis and the list goes on and on my friends. I tried to control my alcohol consumption and it has always lead me back to the same place. Doom and gloom!! It may had been good for 1-6 weeks but it was bound to go back to the dark hole of one of my fuck ups that drinking lead me to every time.
My mind doesn’t have an off switch like some people do when it comes to drinking. I want to keep going and going, like that little energizer bunny. I would say 95% of my drinking always led into black outs because I didn’t know how to stop...

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MY FIRST BLOG POST!

Uncategorized Sep 07, 2016

This is my first blog post!! Yay me!! I have been wanting to do this for a long time, mainly because I enjoy writing and I need a creative outlook for my recovery.  I have been sober now for 4 years and 20 days.  In my recovery I have developed a liking for writing.  Has it always been there or is this just something that came out of me since I decided to get sober? Who knows but I'm glad it's in me.  I can't guarantee that these will be good or entertaining but I can guarantee they will be from the heart and real. No BULL SHIT! I want to share with the world that recovery is possible and that addiction is a disease.  I will be sharing all parts of my recovery and my days of using.  Hope whoever reads this can relate or at least help someone in their own journey.

Always,

CMA

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