COURTNEY ANDERSEN

Confessions of an Emotional Eater

Since getting sober on August 18th, 2012, another problem surfaced to the top of my life, and that is one of emotional eating. OR eating my feelings is what I like to call it.  Insert long Sigh.

I want to clarify before I continue, I do not believe I have a FOOD ADDICTION.  I can stop eating and stay pretty consistent with eating healthy. 

I noticed the emotional eating thing for sure that the first year of my sobriety, I pretty much just ate to cope and gave myself grace as the "the itch' for alcohol would come to haunt me every night past the hours of 5 pm.  This too happens in recovery, when you get Sober, your mind and body crave sugar.  Remember alcohol is sugar, and so if you are drinking every day, you are feeding not only your alcohol addiction but now a sugar addiction. 

MY first year goes by, eat my feelings then get to a point around my one-year sober birthday and feel gross and ready to take on the vision I...

This is what my active addiction looked liked.

When people tell you drugs and alcohol aren’t cool, believe them. Lots of cocaine and heavy nightly drinking during these years of my active addiction. I thought I was cool but I actually wasn’t. The best part about this picture is in fact around this time of my life I knew in the pit of my soul that one day I would be sober, I knew it was the alcohol that lead me to drugs and this depressing, lonely, chaotic, shameful life i was living. I knew I didn’t want to keep on this ride anymore but at the time I didn’t know how to get off. It would only take about another 4-5 years later of having a 100th rock bottom for me finally to say fucking enough already. Thank the universe I did, I won’t say I wish i did it early because things happen how they are suppose to. But I will say I am a lucky one to have escaped what addiction ultimately does to a person and that is death. It’s not dramatic, it’s...

Would I like to go back to this young lady in the picture below and tell her to stop drinking at this time before it all got so dark. Of course but going back wouldn’t have changed a thing.

I wouldn’t have listened and most likely told myself to “fuck off and that I was, followed by I’m not hurting anyone” which was not the case. I hurt family, friends, opportunities but most of all I hurt myself in my active addiction. That’s something you truly don’t see until you have some clarity. Clarity is a hell of a drug!! I wouldn’t change a thing and chose a life of recovery at the time I WAS suppose to. I was ready, my soul was ready for the big scary life of the unknown...My unknown was a life without alcohol. If

you are struggling and you're ready take the step of choosing a sober life today. Its not easy, some days are HARD AF(I just had one on Friday, 5.5 years in) but man oh man it’s worth it! Keep fighting the good fight to any...

How many of you always said, “I will start fresh on Monday” after a complete shit show of drinking/using?!??

I did for years. It was always Monday I will start this new change of behavior with my drinking. I won’t take shots anymore, I will only drink wine, NO more cocaine, Absolutely no more Jager/Jameson/Grand Marnier, I won’t be mean to people anymore when hammered, if I can just get thru this hangover and not die god I will quit drinking?!?!? I’m sure there are a few of you that have been down this road or said these exact words. Well, today is Monday and on this Monday you have the power to STOP the madness. Just know that stopping the insanity does consist of putting the bottle or the drugs down completely. There is no in-between for us alcoholics and addicts. There just isn’t, so stop telling yourself you can control it. You can’t. I can’t. We can’t. Our brains are not programmed that way. It’s ok to be powerless...

2,000 days since I had my last drink..who would have thought??

I don’t ever count days anymore but think about how many day’s that is?!?! Is wild!! I knew in my soul there would be a day I was going to live a life without alcohol. I just didn’t know, when or how I was going to get there. I eventually did get to that point and on that day on 8/18/12, I finally chose a different route than the one I was on for the previous decade. Has Recovery been easy..absolutely not! Some days it’s the pits but other days you're like Fuck yes, I own this shit... I see you Recovery and I got this!! It won’t be easy, it will not be perfect, you may(you for sure will and that’s ok) eat a lot of sugar those first few years and question everything but I promise you it’s all worth it.

Sobriety has brought me peace within my self and a life I’m beyond grateful for because I make the daily choice to wake up another day sober.

Xoxo,

CMA

I have whiskey in my left hand and a rolled-up dollar bill in my right. In front of me on a wooden coffee table are broken up lines of blow, ready for me.  Sobriety is not for me anymore, I take the Jameson to my lips and tip the shot glass back and its over. The light switch has been turned on and I can my addiction come to life.  The whiskey is burning the back of my throat and I feel it warm my bones, I have missed that feeling.  After taking a few shots I then indulge into the cocaine that patiently awaits for me.  I am back to a familiar crew of friends and It's like the last 5 years of sobriety never happened.  I'm right back to the life of FUN and giving ZERO soulless FUCKS.  I feel free and liberated but in the midst of my high, the realization of what I have just done comes into play. The anxiety sets in, my heart beats faster and I start to sweat. What has I done is on repeat in my head, like a broken record but I go in for another line. I'm...

True Story... YOU WILL CHANGE FOR THE BETTER IN SOBRIETY!!! Recovery is scary AF and a lot of things in your life will change but it’s all for the better. Your life will not be the same once you make the choice to give up something that was holding you back for so long. We are supposed to grow as humans not stay the same for the rest of our lives. You will lose friends, relationships and that old self but you gain such a beautiful life and gain your true self in the process. Let go, surrender and let your life path take its course!!

Waking up HANGOVER FREE after my birthday for the 5th year in a row!! Feels so good not to feel like an ashamed shit bag! Yes, birthdays are different now BUT for the better. Instead of my intentions of getting as drunk as possible because that's what I thought fun was and the only way to celebrate your birth. They are now spent with some people I care about most in this precious world with a lot of laughs and quality time. Along with some spa pampering!! It's totally OK to spend your birthday sipping sparkling water, the world will not end. Looking forward to embracing 35 and enjoying the ride...One Day At A Time!! 

Throwback to living in a world of shame, hate, anger, loneliness, self-sabotage and a Mindset of thinking I didn't deserve any good in my world. Funny thing is..I put myself in that state. I was the one who continued to drink and create a very delusional world for myself. That's right, I DID it all to myself..addiction is a powerful disease. There is life after addiction and a very good one y'all, you have the choice to start today and my wish for the people who are suffering in addiction is that you choose LIFE because that's what addiction comes down to..life or death! Recovery is POSSIBLE. 

Let it Go...Couldn't agree MORE!! 

This past weekend has been a happy but emotional one for me celebrating my 5 years. When you celebrate this type of milestone it seems surreal because YOU are the only one who knows the true struggle you had in days of addiction and in recovery. Yes, recovery can be a struggle but the bad days in recovery will ALWAYS win over the best days in addiction because they were really not all that great or few and far between. I will never be cured of this disease cause yes it is a disease y'all. I still have days 5 years into this where the thought of drinking comes to my mind and how good it would feel to be drunk..truth! I have to let that thought come to mind feel it and then shake it off and not live in that addiction demon. I didn't say to myself one day "man, I'm going to become an alcoholic today and do the following...ruin relationships, spend nights in jail, spend nights in hospitals because of drunken induced accidents, destroy my body,...