Powerless

I have whiskey in my left hand and a rolled-up dollar bill in my right. In front of me on a wooden coffee table are broken up lines of blow, ready for me.  Sobriety is not for me anymore, I take the Jameson to my lips and tip the shot glass back and its over. The light switch has been turned on and I can my addiction come to life.  The whiskey is burning the back of my throat and I feel it warm my bones, I have missed that feeling.  After taking a few shots I then indulge into the cocaine that patiently awaits for me.  I am back to a familiar crew of friends and It's like the last 5 years of sobriety never happened.  I'm right back to the life of FUN and giving ZERO soulless FUCKS.  I feel free and liberated but in the midst of my high, the realization of what I have just done comes into play. The anxiety sets in, my heart beats faster and I start to sweat. What has I done is on repeat in my head, like a broken record but I go in for another line. I'm going to lose it all, lose all I have worked so hard on in these sober years.. my self-love, my true authentic self, my husband, family, friends, business.. all of it gone for a moment of what I think will bring me bliss.  My right nostril is burning so bad from the cocaine, the drip in the back of my throat is very aggressive and I just want it to stop.  My addiction keeps telling me more, do more, drink more, feel less, drink more, more, more, MORE! The invitation back to this life has always been there but it was finally me who RSVP. I said YES to this party. MY last line of cocaine is done and as I bring my head up after sniffing it up I look up to see my friend look very concerned and say to me " Courtney, what have you done?'

I wake up in a pool of sweat and sheer panic.  I realize it was just a dream but my nostril is burning and it's like I could feel what happened in my dream.  In early recovery, I had these using dreams all the time but as the years go by they become few in far between or when I'm going thru times of stress and change. Addiction never leaves, it's in use for the rest of our lives. Some days it's a fight and some are so easy.  The one thing I have learned and understood thru this process is it's all a choice whether you want to use or not. Even in my dreams, using is ALWAYS THE WRONG ANSWER.  I instantly feel regret, shame, and guilt which is the constant feeling I had in active addiction.  I know if I would take that first sip of booze it be me going down the rabbit hole because I am powerless over alcohol.

Keep fighting the good fight because your life is worth it.

XOXO,

CMA